My first post in a long time, please be kind.
I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to see anyone, face anyone, be around anyone. I came inside, punched in, dropped my drinks off in the fridge and went straight back outside. After a few minutes everyone else came outside for their before work cigarettes, and I went straight back in. After 8 hours of work I loosened up slightly but my mind and heart were still conquered by feelings of anger and bitterness. A shard of hope tried squeezing its way in, but I promptly shoved it back out wanting to hold on to these dark feelings. I had been wronged, and hurt, I deserved to have peoples sympathy. And then the following morning came. Signing on to facebook one of the first stories to catch my eye was a former classmate who had a newborn child with health issues. Shortly following yet another classmate asking for prayer. I hadn't spoke with this person in who knows how long, but I thought why not, I messaged this person to ask what was going on in order to have a more effective prayer. Working third shift I didn't get the responding message till later in the afternoon, but what I did see put me in shock. What a fool I have been.
All day yesterday I felt a hand squeezing me. squeezing out everything that has brought me joy, and peace in life and I was begging for sympathy from people, because I honestly believed I, more than anyone else, deserved it. And here were these two people facing situations far worse than my own. One situation I have never faced and I hope to never face in the future. Another that I have faced and I don't want to have to again.
How often are we placing this idol of selfish pride in front of our eyes and blinding ourselves to the hurts and needs of others? When I was praying for these two people and their families today I felt like I was a little child throwing a toddlers temper tantrum the day before. I for one hope I am never blinded to others hurts and pains again. I hope that I have not tarnished my reputation so much by foolish decisions and behavior that people won't take me seriously.
I want to end by apologizing. I am sorry to any that I have hurt, and ignored because of my own selfish desires.